Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
