i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
