Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
