I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
