Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
