i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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