I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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