Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
