Got a toothbrush?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
