Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
