im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
