The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
