There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
