It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
