I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
