I feel like abortions should bother me more
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
