I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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