It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
