i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
