You made me cry and you don't even care
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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