who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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