Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
