why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
