Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
