You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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