got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
