in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
