3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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