Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
