My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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