everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
