Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
