if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
