Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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