you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
