so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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