Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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