u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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