Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
