when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
