I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
