Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
