On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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