I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
