i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
