I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
