We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
