put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
