We're facebook friends in real life
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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