I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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