i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
