i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
