She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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